Meaning: I don’t know if you have questions that you concern yourself with for a longer time, until you find the answer, but I admit I have. And I don’t rive myself to search for the answer, no, not anymore. I just let the question to weigh on the background of my mind and I give it space. I know that in that space the answers will just have the place to freely come, all by themselves. And when they come, the AHA moment is born!
For a while, it was hanging on that background I was talking about earlier, a question connected to my last relationship where I gracefully and totally broke my heart, as I didn’t quite understood where have I lost myself this time… As anyone interested in his/her emotional wellbeing, since quite a few years (9 actually… ) I’ve read books and articles, I went to workshops, I worked by myself as well as with a therapist on the relationship matter, I’ve meditated, applied, changed patterns, beliefs and inner structures. And I keep on doing this, with perseverance, just like Edison did with his light bulb.
This being the general theme of the life stage I’m in right now, after an evening of facilitating a workshop on ‘Detachment’ – as in a detach inner state comes the AHA moment, I come home and find Inu online, good friend and biiiig big soul. And, passing from the taste of fresh ginger that one can find in our local stores, which is not that fresh as Inu says, to mango – what can I say, big and important truths are revealed starting from ‘small things’ - I just can’t believe my eyes what I see written on my computer’s screen:
“I truly believe that the higher one, our creator, when he conceived some women and the mango fruit, He put there lot of passion and patience… I feel the mango like… I just don’t have words… it is direct contact with the divinity, as if you would plug your hands into the sniff, but instead of getting shocked by electricity, you say Hello to the supreme energy. This is how fresh mango is.”
What to say, I was almost jumping around of joy that finally a man shares the experience I had first time when I eat a mango, when I decided that yes, definitely those are the qualities that I want to experience in my relationship. I thank Inu for the mirror and I tell him how I tried until now, here and there, to share from the pleasure and ecstasy that my whole tongue and mouth experience when I delightfully treat myself with the mango fruit… But the answers I received were that it is fibrous, hard, that it has a strange consistence that gives an unpleasant sensation, while I was listening every time not being quite able to understand where that huge difference was coming from… Maybe we were talking about different fruits? No…
So we continue telling stories, experiences we had along the while, experiences that led us to the conclusion that life is so beautiful and simple if we have eyes to see it, ears to hear it and soul to feel it. As the weekend gets closer, our talk slides to what we are doing this weekend. So I tell him about the workshop from this weekend and about how happy and excited I am doing this, that it is the first workshop I facilitate in the program that I’m involved in, Love is Life – Heart Intelligence and Tantra. With curiosity, Inu asks me how is with this tantra and I start telling him what I learned since I go to workshops, I read and apply… So I tell him how much I appreciate the common sense of working with myself and with my energy, both when I’m alone and when I’m in a relationship… that I discovered that everything I feel belongs to me, that the energy awakening and rising within me it is mine and so I’m not projecting it anymore on the partner, rising him on a pedestal, but rather I acknowledge within him the same energy… that I’ve learned to sense with my whole senses and to trust what I feel in my body, that actually sensing and feeling happened before also but the mind was always interfering, censoring the senses… and, what is really important for me, I’m learning to come back each time to myself, to my own space, to my heart… to be with myself as well as with the partner, and I’m learning that love, even when manifesting in a couple, it means centering and that it cannot be love without centeredness… And I keep on telling how, for me, the healing happens within my heart and that the moment when you go from fear of being intimately to actually intimacy and love is the moment when you can show yourself to your partner just as you are and in the same time to be ok with it… meaning that you’re not trembling tortured by thoughts like ‘ups, he/she sees me now, what will I do after this?’… but peacefully to be able to take 100% responsibility of your being, just as you are. And so we come to the fact that, to be able to do so, first you need to love yourself and to accept yourself just as you are, and when you love and accept yourself only then love can flower inside the couple also… that when love is already inside you, you just let it flow. This is when Inu asks
“Well, doesn’t it depend also on the field that it is flowing to?”
The very clear and simple answer comes that… what happens with the “field” is the “field’s” business.
And, suddenly, I see myself in my last relationship and I understand that we were just living through different paradigms. The words start flowing and my fingers write by themselves… I understand that I lost myself when trying to show him my understanding about love and relating, when trying to explain that a profound relationship as I see it, it is not the one that, quoting him: ‘at least in the beginning should be like wow cause afterward…’ just because the fact that what consumes with time and decreases it is not love, but perhaps lust… that I understand the fact he had relationships before and in the beginning at least they were wow but… how did those relationship evolved and where did they end up? I heard myself again saying to him that love and closeness in a couple are to be build with awareness, day by day, and that it is always a choice there… that love is an act of gratitude, waking up in the morning seeing your partner and thanking him/her that today also he/she chose to be there with you, receiving your love… that intimacy in a relationship it is something building through being present, taking a good look inside yourself, giving yourself the chance to know and to heal yourself, to go even deeper in your depths, in your love… that when you step back when facing an obstacle it is like you're setting a second date with it later in time… I hear myself again telling him about the moment of ‘love at second sight’ which appears in any relationship, when the hormones get back to normal and you start to ‘see’ your partner with goods and bads… moment when you can decide to start looking for another partner to arouse in your body the same chemical reactions, offering you the intoxicating sensations of falling in love… or you can decide to remain in the relationship and to make the step towards what really means intimacy and mature love… Here I suddenly stop writing. My big AHA was coming. It was right in front of me, clear as spring water.
He doesn’t enjoy the mango fruit.
My whole propaganda on love and relating became as unnatural and useless as if I was trying to make him feel that eating a mango fruit is a divine experience when, in fact, he finds mango to be just a fibrous fruit with a strange taste…
Love,
Priya
Se intampla sa-mi placa mango!
Of Doamne, mare AHA am trait eu in seara asta!
Adica: nu stiu daca voi aveti asa intrebari care va preocupa mai mult timp pana gasiti raspunsul, dar eu recunosc ca am. Si nu ma mai zdrobesc sa caut eu raspunsul, nu. Doar las intrebarea sa atarne asa undeva pe fundalul mintii mele si ii dau spatiu. Stiu eu ca in spatiul acela au loc raspunsurile sa vina singure singurele de buna voie. Si cand vin, se naste AHA-ul!
De ceva vreme, era la atarnat pe fundalul de care ziceam mai sus, o intrebare legata de ultima relatie in care am fost si in care mi-am zdrobit inima total si cu mare gratie, ca nu prea pricepeam eu unde m-am pierdut pe mine de data asta… Ca tot omul preocupat de bunastarea sa emotionala, de cativa ani incoace (vreo 9 asa… ) am citit, m-am dus la cursuri, am lucrat si singura si cu terapeut pe acest subiect al relatiilor, am meditat, am aplicat, am schimbat patternuri, convingeri si structuri interioare. Si fac asta in continuare, cu perseverenta, precum Edison cu becul lui.
Acesta fiind decorul general al etapei de viata in care ma aflu acum, ca sa zic asa, dupa o seara in care am facilitat un workshop cu tema ‘Detasarea’ – ca doar in stare de detasare vin AHA-urile, ajung eu acasa si ma gasesc pe chat cu Inu, bun prieten si maaare mare suflet. Si trecand noi de la gustul de ghimbir proaspat din comertul bucurestean, care numai proapat zice Inu ca nu e el, la mango – deh, marile revelatii pornesc de la lucruri ‘marunte’ – nu-mi cred privirii ce apare scris pe ecran:
“Eu cred sincer ca al de sus, creatorul, atunci cand a conceput cateva femei, si fructul de mango a pus multa pasiune si rabdare… mi se pare asa mango-ul… n-am cuvinte… e contact direct cu dumnezeirea ca si cum ai baga mana in priza, dar in loc sa te curentezi, dai bonjur energiei supreme. Cam asa e mango-ul proaspat.”
Ce sa mai, imi venea sa topai de bucurie ca in sfarsit un barbat imi impartaseste experienta pe care am avut-o cand am muscat prima data dintr-un fruct de mango, cand am hotarat eu ca da, hotarat lucru, asa calitati vreau sa traiesc in relatia mea. Si ii multumesc de oglindire si ii spun ca am tot incercat eu pana acum, ba in stanga, ba in dreapta sa impartasesc din placerea si extazul trait de papilele mele cand ma infrupt cu voluptate din mango… Dar raspunsurile primite au fost ca e atos, ca e tare, ca are o consistenta ciudata care da o senzatie neplacuta, iar eu ma uitam de fiecare data, nevenindu-mi sa cred de unde ditamai diferenta… Poate vorbim de fructe diferite? Nu…
Si mai povestim noi, eu cu Inu, asa… experiente avute in timp, experiente care ne duc la concluzia ca tare simpla si frumoasa mai e viata asta, daca avem ochi sa vedem, urechi sa auzim si suflet sa simtim. Cum se apropie weekendul, aluneca discutia si inspre ce facem in weekend. Asa ca ii spun de workshopul din weekend si de cat de fericita si incantata sunt ca fac asta, ca e primul pe care il facilitez, in programul in care sunt inscrisa, Iubirea este Viata – Inteligenta inimii si tantra. Curios, ma intreaba Inu cum e cu tantra asta si incep eu sa povestesc ce am invatat de cand ma duc la cursuri, citesc si aplic… Asa ca ii spun ca apreciez bunul simt in spiritul caruia lucrez cu mine si cu energia mea, si atunci cand sunt singura si cand sunt intr-o relatie… ca am descoperit ca tot ce simt imi apartine, ca energia care se trezeste in mine este a mea si uite asa nu o mai proiectez pe partener, ridicandu-l in slavi, ci, mai degraba, recunosc si in el aceeasi energie… ca am invatat sa simt prin toate simturile si sa am incredere in corp, ca de simtit simteam eu si inainte, dar venea mintea si cenzura… si, ce este cel mai important pentru mine, invat sa ma intorc de fiecare data la mine, in spatiul meu, in inima… invat sa fiu si cu celalalt dar si cu mine, invat ca iubirea, chiar si manifestata in cuplu, inseamna centrare si ca nu se poate una fara cealalta… Si tot asa povestesc eu cum, pentru mine, vindecarea se petrece in inima si cum momentul cand treci de la frica de apropiere la intimitate si iubire este momentul in care te poti arata in fata partenerului/ei exact asa cum esti, in acelasi timp fiind total in regula cu asta… adica sa nu dardai torturat de ganduri gen ‘aoleu, ma vede, ce ma fac eu dupa?’… ci, cu seninatate, sa iti poti asuma 100% responsabilitatea fiintei tale, exact asa cum esti. Si asa ajungem noi la faptul ca, pentru a putea sa faci asta, ai nevoie intai sa te iubesti tu pe tine si sa te accepti exact asa cum esti, iar cand te iubesti si te accepti tu pe tine, atunci poate inflori si iubirea in cuplu… ca atunci cand iubirea este deja in tine, doar o lasi sa curga. Si intreba Inu aici
“pai nu depinde si de campul pe care se varsa iubirea?”
Imi vine foarte clar si simplu raspunsul ca… ce se intampla cu ‘campul’ e treaba ‘campului’.
Si, dintr-o data, ma revad pe mine in ultima relatie si inteleg ca pur si simplu traiam in paradigme diferite. Cuvintele efectiv curg iar degetele mele incep sa scrie singure… Inteleg ca m-am pierdut pe mine atunci cand am incercat sa ii arat lui intelegerea mea despre iubire si relationare, cand am incercat sa ii explic ca o relatie profunda nu e aceea in care, cum imi spunea el ‘macar la inceput sa fie wow ca dupa aia…’ pentru ca ce se consuma in timp si scade nu este iubire ci, poate, pasiune… ca inteleg ca a mai avut relatii care au fost wow la inceput dar… cum au evoluat? M-am reauzit spunandu-i ca iubirea si apropierea in cuplu se construiesc constient, zi de zi, si ca este o alegere acolo in fiecare moment… ca iubirea e un act de gratitudine, cand te trezesti dimineata si il/o vezi pe cel/cea de langa tine si ii multumesti ca a ales si astazi sa fie cu tine si sa primeasca iubirea ta… ca intimitatea in relatie se construieste fiind prezent/a acolo, uitandu-te bine in interiorul tau, dandu-ti astfel ocazia sa te cunosti, sa vindeci, sa mergi mai profund in adancimile tale, in iubirea ta… ca atunci cand dai inapoi din fata unui obstacol e ca si cum iti dai intalnire cu el mai tarziu… M-am reauzit spunandu-i despre momentul de ‘dragoste la a doua vedere’ care apare in orice relatie, atunci cand hormonii din corp revin la normal si incepi sa ‘vezi’ partenerul/a cu bune si rele… moment in care poti sa decizi sa pornesti in cautarea altui partener care sa-ti starneasca reactii chimice in corp si sa-ti ofere senzatiile ametitoare ale indragostirii sau poti sa decizi sa ramai in relatie si sa faci pasul catre ceea ce este de fapt intimitatea si iubirea matura… Si ma opresc brusc din scris. Marele meu AHA venise. Era aici, chiar in fata mea, limpede ca apa de izvor.
Lui nu-i place mango.
Toata propaganda mea despre iubire si relatii a devenit la fel de nefireasca si de inutila ca si cum as fi incercat sa-l fac sa simta ca a manca mango este o experienta divina cand, de fapt, pentru el este doar un fruct atos cu gust cam ciudat…
Din inima,
Priya
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