Longing for Home

Some years ago I became aware of a terrible longing for Home. I didn’t know where my place is or where I belong and I was desperately wanting to find my ‘Home’. Even though I can say that I was searching before also, I think that was the moment when my search started to have shape, the shape of finding and returning Home. Now I realize it is more about re-finding, of remembering the path walked until here and now.

Although it is called ‘the illusion of separation’, this separation was real as long as I experimented it. It came from the separation my soul went through, when choosing to come into a human body to experience Life in its earthly side. The illusion came from immersing into the density of the matter, from identification with this body, with the flesh and bones that gives the soul human clothing.

The first memory I have coming from this experience it is the despair I felt when I suddenly ‘woke up’ in my mother’s womb… a space perceived as being much too dark, far too small and choking. The remembrance of the light, of the infinite spaciousness from Home, of the playing and joy from there, all it was so present and the difference so painful that I could hardly breathe. The only comfort was coming from the fact that it wouldn’t last long, that I would get out of there as soon as the body would have grow enough to leave that womb.

For me, leaving Home for taking shape in the physical manifestation was painful and this pain came from separation, from letting go being shapeless to enter into a limited physical body, as well as from forgetting the space of light and love from which the soul has came.

Yet, the soul has its own memory and, at one moment, the longing of Home can’t be hidden by any illusion… And so, my soul started the journey back, towards the love and light it came from. This is how the ‘awakening’ appeared. And the first thing to realize was that everything I live is an illusion, a game of experimenting, a game of learning, of remembering. In my way towards light I met again the pain… that pain of separation.

I rejected every time the pain when it appeared in my life, I fought with it, I rejected the people and the situations that caused pain, I revolted against it and them and life and God, keeping on asking Why? Why me? Why like this? Why AGAIN God? Why?

The Universe, patient as it is, it brought every time in my path new people, new situations, new occasions for me to say Yes to the pain inside me, to stop fighting with it, to embrace it. And it did it until avoiding pain became more painful than accepting it.

Now I realize that without embracing the pain experienced within the separation, I can’t return consciously Home and I can’t live consciously the nature of my soul… It is true, I remember and I Know that my soul comes from light and love and this means that I am light and love, if from light and love I came… yet, without embracing this pain as also being mine, I can’t take the step back in the space I came from and so, I’m not taking the final step into BEING, again, in a conscious way this time, light and love.

And you, dear fellow traveler? Where are you? What is the step to lead you Home?

Love,
Priya

Dorul de Acasa

La un moment dat, cu ceva ani in urma, am devenit constienta de un dor teribil de Acasa. Nu mai stiam care mi-e locul, unde apartin si imi doream cu disperare sa-mi gasesc ‘Acasa’ mea. Si, cu toate ca pot sa spun ca eram in cautari si pana atunci, acela cred ca a fost momentul in care cautarea mea a prins o forma, forma gasirii si intoarcerii Acasa. Acum imi dau seama ca este mai degraba vorba despre o regasire, de o reamintire a drumului facut pana aici.

Desi i se spune iluzia separarii, aceasta separare a fost reala atat timp cat am experimentat-o. A aparut din separarea prin care sufletul a trecut cand a ales sa vina intr-un corp omenesc prin care sa experimenteze Viata in aspectul ei pamantean. Iluzia a venit din cufundarea in densitatea materiei, din identificarea cu acest corp, cu carnea si oasele care ii ofera sufletului un invelis uman.

Prima amintire pe care o am din aceasta existenta este disperarea pe care am simtit-o cand m-am ‘trezit’ dintr-o data in uterul mamei… un spatiu perceput ca fiind mult prea intunecat, mult prea mic si inecacios. Amintirea luminii, a infinitatii spatiului de Acasa, a jocului si a bucuriei de acolo era atat de prezenta iar diferenta atat de dureroasa ca de abia puteam sa respir. Singura consolare venea din faptul ca nu va dura mult, ca voi iesi de acolo de indata ce corpul va fi crescut indeajuns sa iasa din acel uter.

Pentru mine, desprinderea de Acasa pentru a prinde forma in manifestarea fizica a fost dureroasa iar durerea a venit atat din separare, din renuntarea la a fi fara forma pentru a intra intr-un corp fizic limitat cat si din uitarea spatiului de lumina si iubire din care sufletul a venit.

Dar sufletul are propria lui memorie si, la un moment dat, dorul de Acasa nu mai poate fi ascuns de nici o iluzie… Si asa sufletul meu si-a inceput calatoria inapoi, catre iubirea si lumina din care a venit. Asa a aparut ‘trezirea’. Si primul lucru de care mi-am dat seama este chiar acesta, ca tot ce traiesc este o iluzie, un joc al experimentarii, un joc al invatarii, al aducerii aminte. In drumul meu catre lumina am intalnit iar durerea… acea durere a separarii.

Am respins de fiecare data durerea cand a aparut in viata mea, m-am luptat cu ea, am respins oamenii si evenimentele care au provocat durere, m-am razvratit impotriva ei si a lor si a vietii si a lui Dumnezeu, intreband intr-una De ce? De ce mie? De ce asa? De ce IAR Doamne?

Universul, rabdator cum este, mi-a adus de fiecare data in cale noi oameni, noi situatii, noi circumstante in care eu sa am ocazia sa spun Da durerii din mine, sa nu ma mai lupt cu ea, sa o imbratisez. Si a facut-o pana cand evitarea durerii a devenit… mai dureroasa decat acceptarea ei.

Acum imi dau seama ca fara a imbratisa durerea traita la separare nu ma pot intoarce constient Acasa si nu-mi pot trai constient natura sufletului meu… E adevarat, imi aduc aminte si Stiu ca sufletul meu vine din lumina si iubire si ca asta inseamna ca eu sunt lumina si iubire, daca din lumina si iubire m-am desprins… dar fara sa imbratisez durerea ca fiind si ea a mea, nu pot sa fac pasul in spatiul din care am venit si, astfel, nu fac ultimul pas catre A FI, iar, intr-un mod constient de data aceasta, lumina si iubire.

Si tu, tovaras drag de drum? Unde esti tu? Care este pasul ce te conduce Acasa?


Din inima,
Priya