The secret of Life... in my life

Many years of this life, I lived in a body of a beautiful woman without knowing it. Without accepting that I am woman. Ignoring my body, denying my femininity. Always wishing to be thinner, taller, more dark haired, more tanned, to have longer legs, smaller breasts, lips more outlined, more curved lashes, more beautiful knee, softer voice, graceful gestures, longer hair. Craving to be the woman with whom man wants to live his life. Dreaming to play the piano. Or at least the guitar. Wanting to paint. To play theater. Longing to receive love. To be admired. Accepted.

I lived among the tirelessly and always present ‘Ifs’…

If I’d speak French so fluently as Georgiana…
If I’d have Ramona’s depth and sensibility…
If I’d had Raluca’s long legs and the perfect back of Roxana…
If I’d had my sister’s sound laugh, the playful look of Sorina and the simply perfect nails of Manuela…
If I’d had Găbiţa’s intelligence and distinction…
And, of course, if I’d knew to structure my speech using at least half of Valeria’s talent…
If I’d had Laura’s tenderness and beauty, Alina’s fire, Agatha’s glow…
If I’d had Mihaela’s delicacy and Monica’s femininity… Ah, and Cristina’s curly hair!
How would it be if I’d had the gentleness of that blond colleague that I once worked with?
It goes without saying that if I’d had Marina’s courage…
And if I’d be as companionable and pleasant as Minodora…
If I’d knew to play the piano as Dana’s daughter and if I’d knew to choose my clothes and purses as Ada…
I don’t even want to think about how it would be to leave worry free as Rodica or if I’d had Anca’s serenity!
Oh God! At least if I’d had my cousin’s charm… after all, we are in the family, can’t we just split it??

Until one day, two years ago, when a tiny little voice finally made itself heard:

And me? What about me? Where am I in all these? Who am I?

It was my heart… my heart, where it has always been love. My heart, who somehow knew to grow, to observe, to love, to cry, to laugh, to search, to give, to wait, to hope. My heart, who knew she’ll reach the wisdom when I will be found my inner strength. When I will be found that… I am Woman.

And this happened when I past beyond the belief that the heart, and only the heart, is the one that can create and I stopped ignoring that, in fact, creation takes place in the Woman’s womb.

The day I accepted that I am Woman was the day I discovered my womb. I understood that here, inside the woman's womb, resides the secret of life, that the miracle of life starts here.
I understood that inside the heart there is the light and inside the womb originates the woman’s wisdom.
I surprised myself finding that being in the space of my heart I cannot lie myself anymore and that inside the womb are answers to all my questions, just waiting to be picked up through the opening of the heart.
I released from my womb all the set-backs and regrets from past relationships. I released the past.
Letting the light from the heart to fill my womb, I was healing. Letting the energy from the womb to flow into my heart, I was flowering.

Accepting the light within, I stopped craving to be admired, accepted. Finding the love inside me, I stopped longing to receive it from outside. Seeing the inner beauty and richness of the Woman, I stopped wanting to fit into a beauty standard assessed by someone else’s rules. And, more than this, I stopped comparing…

I discovered the secret of living in the now.

I accepted that everything belongs to me and, by doing so, I found myself whole.


Love,
Ram

Taina Vieţii... în viaţa mea

Multi ani din viata asta, am trait intr-un corp de femeie frumoasa fara sa stiu. Fara sa accept ca sunt femeie. Ignorandu-mi corpul, negandu-mi feminitatea. Dorind mereu sa fiu mai slaba, mai inalta, mai bruneta, mai dreapta, mai bronzata, cu picioare mai lungi, sani mai mici, buze mai conturate, gene mai intoarse, genunchi mai frumosi, voce mai suava, gesturi mai gratioase, plete mai dese. Ravnind sa fiu femeia alaturi de care barbatul sa-si doreasca sa ramana. Visand sa cant la pian. Sau macar la chitara. Vrand sa pictez. Sa fac teatru. Tanjind sa primesc iubire. Sa fiu admirata. Acceptata.

Am trait intre neobositii si vesnic prezentii "Daca".

Daca as vorbi franceza asa fluent ca Georgiana...
Daca as avea profunzimea si sensibilitatea Ramonei...
Daca as avea picioarele interminabile ale Ralucai, spatele perfect al Roxanei...
Daca as avea rasul sonor al sora'mii, privirea jucausa a Sorinei si unghiile pur si simplu perfecte ale Manuelei...
Daca as avea inteligenta si rafinamentul Gabitei...
Si, desigur, daca as sti sa-mi structurez discursul folosind macar pe jumatate talentul Valeriei...
Daca as avea blandetea si frumusetea Laurei, focul Alinei, stralucirea Agathei...
Daca as avea finetea Mihaelei si feminitatea Monicai... Ah, si parul carliontat si bogat al Cristinei!
Cum ar fi daca as avea delicatetea acelei colege blondute cu care am lucrat odata?
E de la sine inteles ca daca as avea curajul Marinei...
Si daca as fi atat de sociabila si placuta ca Minodora...
Daca as sti sa cant la pian ca fiica Danei si daca as sti sa-mi aleg hainele si posetele ca Ada...
Nici nu vreau sa ma gandesc cum ar fi sa traiesc fara griji ca Rodica ori daca as avea seninatatea Ancai!
Of, Doamne! Macar de l-as avea pe "vino-ncoace" ca verisoara mea... ca doar suntem in familie, chiar nu se poate imparti??

Pana intr-o zi, acum vreo doi ani, cand un glascior firav s-a facut in sfarsit auzit:

Si eu? Eu unde mai sunt? Eu cine sunt?

Era inima mea… inima mea, unde mereu a fost iubire. Inima mea, care a stiut cumva sa creasca, sa observe, sa iubeasca, sa planga, sa rada, sa caute, sa daruiasca, sa astepte, sa spere. Inima mea, care a stiut ca va atinge intelepciunea atunci cand eu voi fi gasit puterea mea interioara. Cand eu voi fi aflat ca... sunt Femeie.

Si s-a intamplat cand am trecut dincolo de convingerea ca inima, si numai ea, este cea care poate crea si nu am mai ignorat ca, de fapt, creatia are loc in pantecele Femeii.

Ziua in care am acceptat ca sunt Femeie a fost ziua in care mi-am descoperit pantecele. Am inteles ca aici, in pantece, se afla secretul vietii, ca minunea vietii ia nastere aici.
Am inteles ca in inima este lumina, iar in pantece isi are originea intelepciunea femeii.
M-am surprins afland ca in inima nu ma mai pot minti si ca in pantece sunt raspunsuri la toate intrebarile mele, asteptand doar sa fie culese prin deschiderea inimii.
Am eliberat din pantece toate nereusitele si regretele din relatiile avute. Am eliberat trecutul.
Lasand lumina din inima sa-mi umple pantecele, am vindecat. Lasand energia din pantece sa curga in inima, am inflorit.

Acceptand lumina din mine, nu am mai tanjit sa fiu admirata, acceptata. Descoperind iubirea din mine, nu am mai tanjit sa o primesc din exterior.Vazand frumusetea si bogatia interioara a Femeii, nu mi-am mai dorit sa ma incadrez intr-un sablon de frumusete impus de regulile altcuiva. Si mai ales, nu am mai facut comparatii...

Am aflat taina trairii in prezent.

Am acceptat ca toate fac parte din mine si, astfel, m-am regasit in totalitate.

Din inima,
Ram