These are precious times when I'm discovering a lot about me as a woman, through relating with a man.
Last week we met. Intense beautiful meeting. Again. Moments full of just being, of gentleness, of openness, of fun and laughter, of freedom and shared love.
In a moment when I really opened in love, I could feel there is a space inside me that belongs to the man. Like it is the man’s home from inside me. A space that it is not to be filled with feminine but with masculine. Realizing this and just allowing him to be inside this space, I felt I am Woman. I felt I am Love. I felt I surrender to the womanhood inside me. I felt I am flowering and flowering and flowering.
There was no fight with this, no resistance, just giving and receiving. Inviting him to freely be in this space. And the energy was naturally flowing into the heart, having the consistence of honey, and when reaching the heart… heart was flowering and flowering and flowering… It was not me doing anything, not me moving the energy intentionally through breathing or else… it was just flowing. And that made me feel fulfilled as never in this life, as I was opening and allowing all these to happen, having no control on anything but trust.
I feel like I experienced the yin-yang exactly as in the symbol. Just like in the yin part there is a small circle of yang and in the yang part there is a small circle of yin, in perfect balance, I was the yin embracing that yang circle inside me. I was the Woman receiving the Man. Simple and beautiful.
No coincidence that it happened after I balanced these energies inside me, after I embraced them both as being mine. The outer is reflecting me, once again, what is already inside…
Another special moment happened when I was truly living my nature as being Love and he was there, pure presence, living his nature as Freedom and we were deeply connected… That moment it was Love and Freedom together and it happened when we both were authentic to who we are, when I was Woman and he was Man. The more man he was and the more woman I was, the natural our togetherness was, the perfect our union was.
And now, when I write, it comes to me that yes, for me it is true: freedom comes from love, as I am woman and my nature is love. So when I live my true nature, only then I am free. But man’s nature is freedom. So maybe for him is the other way round: love comes from freedom. When man is free, when he lives his true nature, only then love can flower in him.
Then why do I sometimes feel shocked? Because I am not used to this. It is new. Very very new. The system doesn’t recognize all these so it is in shock. Not huge one :) but still… the general state of mind is… not knowing. A big not knowing.
I feel I am adjusting on this new way of being. Confusion is here but also awareness. I see it is a process going on with me and him as well. What will happen when this process of coming into being will end? I don’t know… sometimes I’m curious to find out, sometimes not even curious. I feel the important thing to acknowledge now and to give space to, is this growth that is happening. And as much as something in me would love this connection to last, because it is so good, so beautiful, so amazing, that wisdom within knows that it will end when its ending time will come. Because what has a beginning, has a middle and an end too. I did not forced the beginning, it happened by being present in the right time and in the right moment. What is now, again, it is not forced to be, it just flows. So I’m not forcing the end to come either. Instead, I trust the process. I trust my inner wisdom and I trust God.
When I came home, I was looking out from my window and the question came… Where is life taking me now? I don’t know, but it’s new. I see it like until now I was crawling, walking like a baby with the hands on the ground too, not being able to stand on my own two feet. And now, since taking responsibility for my own pain and for my own life and for the process I’m in, I stood up and start walking like an adult. Not like a baby that needs others to take care, but like an adult, carrying my scars and my gifts too. I see it’s the beginning of this path, the beginning of my maturity. The spring of the woman. The noon of this life.
Lot of other things happened in a different way than before. Like not stepping into drama in situations in which I would have done it in the past, not feeling rejected when I felt him not present and he confirmed it, sensing the difference between ‘being’ and ‘performing’ and therefore stopped performing, expressing the thoughts, the feelings, the emotions, seeing my needs and taking care of them, being there for him but not taking him on my shoulders, showing myself as I am with no shame involved, not sending hooks but giving space, surrendering myself to the womanhood inside, to the love I feel, to the woman I can be and not to him as he would own me, not trying to DO something for him to feel better but connecting again and again with my heart and taking my power not from his presence but from my heart.
Indeed these are new times and I thank for each moment.
Love,
Ram
